As a Single Mom, Do You Truly Know Who You’re Dating?
Everyone has the desire to feel wanted and loved. We all seek that deep connection, passionate love, and trust with a special someone. However, when you're a single mom, understanding who you're dating takes on an added layer of significance, especially concerning the protection of your children.
Disclaimer: This blog does not intend to directly criticize or attack single mothers. Instead, it aims to provide factual insights and real-life experiences from single mothers and their children. These insights are gathered from interviews conducted by Mr. David Goldberg, an Advanced Board-Certified Polygraph Examiner and Investigator of both child and adult sexual abuse with over 30 years of experience.
Mr. David Goldberg has assisted thousands of single mothers, parents, grandparents, and children in finding closure regarding a deeply troubling issue that affects and haunts millions nationwide, yet often goes unreported. This is due to the stigma of not being believed, feelings of shame, or reasons such as parental selfishness, as well as inadequate investigative work by agencies.
In this blog, we'll explore the issue of sexual abuse committed by individuals whom single mothers initially trusted as ideal partners or significant others.
Many women have experienced relationships that didn't last long-term. However, from those challenging experiences, they were blessed with a precious gift far more significant than any failed relationship—a child. A child who now depends on you every minute of every day. Whether a son or daughter, these children are at the heart of a mother's world. It's a mother's sole responsibility to care for, protect, guide, and provide for her children daily until they grow into independent, self-caring, and respectful adults. Yet, as single parents, we can sometimes feel overwhelmed, burdened, or too focused on our own issues, losing sight of our primary focus—the well-being of our children.
Love can sometimes blind us to reality. This blog will explore the dynamics of relationships with individuals who may not have appeared problematic initially, but later prove to be harmful. Additionally, we will discuss the factors that can lead to children and adults becoming victims of perpetrators.
Again, as mentioned in the disclaimer above, this blog is not saying that all single mothers or their children will become victims at some point in their lives. Nor does it suggest that all single mothers will overlook warning signs. Instead, this blog aims to provide a new perspective on a topic that you may not have previously considered or fully understood the importance of addressing.
To understand the seriousness of the matter we will discuss, let's begin with some updated statistics. In 2023, approximately 15.09 million children were living with a single mother in the United States, and about 3.05 million children living with a single father.
Child Sexual Abuse Statistics
Children may be sexually abused by anyone in their life, including other youth, and they are significantly more likely to be abused by someone they already know and trust. 90% of children who are victims of sexual abuse know their abuser.
More than 9 in 10 people who sexually abuse children are already known to the child as an acquaintance or family member.
Below are ranges of estimated perpetration derived from reports made to law enforcement, Child Protective Services, and a nationally representative sample of State prisoners:
40-58.7% of offenders are non-family acquaintances (someone you know very little and casually).
33-46% of offenders are family members (siblings, uncles, cousins, etc.).
32-33% of offenders are parents or parental figures. Among these, 14% are biological fathers, 9% are step-fathers, and 7% are mothers’ boyfriends.
Only 4%-10% of offenders are strangers (someone right off the streets)
Navigating the Dating Scene as a Single Mom
It may have been a while since you last dated. Perhaps you recently ended a relationship on a sour note or focused primarily on your child or children. Nevertheless, with the encouragement of supportive friends and family members, you've chosen to re-enter the dating scene. It's time to prioritize yourself once again. However, you might feel a bit hesitant. Thoughts about your body changing since childbirth or your previous relationship, and wondering if anyone would be interested in dating a single mom, might be racing through your mind, causing some hesitation about diving back into dating. Despite these doubts, you've made the decision to take the next step for yourself, whether you're a mom to a newborn, small children, or young teens. You're stepping into a new journey into the dating realm.
Perhaps you start cautiously on any of today's social media platforms or dating apps, opting for the comfort of your home. There's no initial meet-and-greet, no need to get all dressed up, shave your legs, or spend hours doing your hair and makeup. Just the simple protection behind your cell phone, easily swiping left if uninterested or swiping right if interested.
So, let's take it slow at first. You might even have a friend help you create your profile. You'll swipe through many potential men, but only one might catch your interest. After exchanging several direct messages (DMs) and texts, maybe you’re feeling bold and decide to FaceTime to ensure they're who they claim to be online. Now that you feel comfortable, it's time to meet in person. You choose a safe place like a coffee shop or restaurant to enjoy a good meal together. You dress casually but stylishly, making a great first impression as usual. There may be some awkward moments—that's normal. But overall, there are smiles, laughs, and a genuinely fun first date. You both decide there will be more dates in the future.
As your connection grows, you have more late-night chats, you’re texting more throughout the day, and have frequent FaceTime chats. Flirting and sexual tension begin to build. Conversations about your child or children flow naturally, and there are no issues from the other side. After a few more dates, intimacy becomes a part of your relationship, taking your dating experience to a whole new level.
Especially for women, intimacy and sex require emotional feelings and attachments, along with respect from the man they are dating or seeing, for the woman to feel sexy and desired before engaging in sex. It's important to note that this perspective is based on surveys and interviews conducted with sex therapists who have worked extensively with both men and women. However, there are exceptions to these general trends, and some individuals may engage in sexual activities without emotional connections or feelings.
On the other hand, men often require physical sexual touch to establish an emotional connection and feel desired by the woman they are dating or seeing. This insight regarding men's intimacy and sex is also drawn from surveys and interviews conducted by sex therapists with both men and women. As always, there are exceptions to these patterns, and some men may engage in sexual activities without requiring a deep emotional connection.
*It's important to clarify that this blog does not delve into discussions about individuals who may engage in casual sexual encounters without emotional attachments or connections.*
As your journey in dating as a single mom progresses with the man you met online, you may begin to feel that he is the right one and decide it feels like the right time now to introduce him to your child or children. If there haven't been any red flags or warning signs in the beginning, and everything has been smooth and positive, you might feel confident in bringing him around. After spending time together, you may ask your child for their opinion, and their agreement often serves as an important confirmation. Your child's approval is crucial, as they typically want to please and not upset their parent. Once you receive this ultimate approval, it further solidifies the potential of your relationship, leading to more dates, visits, and possibly overnight stays.
It's common for us not to ask serious, inquisitive questions when we're dating someone new. Pulling out a legal pad and pen to interrogate them with questions like "Would you answer a few questions?" would likely raise red flags and send them running in the opposite direction. Additionally, no one wants to come across as overly suspicious or paranoid, even though you have every right to be cautious.
We often refrain from discussing topics we disapprove of, such as pornography viewing, drug use, excessive drinking, or behaviors we wouldn't want around our children. Expressing these concerns too early can scare potential partners away as well. However, it's crucial to remember that if they are scared off by your reasonable concerns, they might not be the right person for you or your family.
While we may keep these serious questions to ourselves initially, it's essential to ask them upfront to protect yourself as a single mother and your children in the long run.
Some examples of questions you may consider asking include:
What happened in your previous relationship(s)?
Have you ever been accused of anything serious in any past relationships?
Do you have a criminal record, and if so, what is it for?
Have you ever been accused of domestic violence by anyone?
While individuals may choose to lie or withhold information, asking these questions can sometimes prompt them to reveal truths they might not otherwise share. The surprise of being asked such direct questions by a woman they're dating might prompt them to be more open in an attempt to make a good impression on you.
Here's How Dating Can Take a Wrong Turn with a Perpetrator
After a while of dating, the single mother may reach a point where she feels comfortable asking the person she's seeing to look after her children while she runs errands or attends appointments she can't take her children to. Alternatively, she might ask the person to drive her child or children to appointments or take them shopping while she attends to other important matters. If the mother hasn't noticed any warning signs or red flags, she may allow this to occur.
This is the point where the person she’s dating, who may be a potential perpetrator despite showing no prior signs, starts to emerge from the shadows. They initiate what's known as the 'grooming' or 'testing' phase. This is when the predator, if they are indeed one, starts testing the waters based on their preference for the age, sex, and mental capacity of the child. For instance, if the child is of playing age and the perpetrator favors this age and the child’s sex.
The grooming process begins with possibly offering a toy, food, or some form of treat. This tactic is used by perpetrators to gain favor and get closer with the child. After a while the perpetrator then says, “If you do this *sexual act* or allow me to do this *sexual act* to you (it can be in the form of game-playing, slow touching/rubbing, or accidental touch), I will buy you a toy, your favorite treat, let you play a video game at home, or watch your favorite TV show." This is how the abuse begins.
The critical elements include the age and sex of the child, along with the opportunity that the perpetrator seizes. Another crucial factor is the language used by the perpetrator when speaking to the child, such as phrases like 'This is our secret, don't tell mommy,' 'This is our game,' or 'We wouldn't want mommy to get upset, would we?' This marks the point where the perpetrator begins their master manipulation of the child, all behind the mother’s back.
Upon returning home, whether from a brief outing to the store, an appointment, or a short time spent together at home while mom was away, the perpetrator carefully initiates conversations to avoid any slip ups by the child that might raise concerns for the mother, who is dating, growing closer, and falling in love. The perpetrator's comments might include, "Tell mommy what I bought for you at the store," or "Tell mommy what we watched on TV," or "Tell mommy which video game we played and how you beat me," or even "Tell mommy how much fun you had." Throughout, the perpetrator keeps the child's mind preoccupied, ensuring they don't recall any abuse and preventing them from accidentally revealing what truly happened to their mother.
The abuse can happen whenever an opportunity arises, facilitated by the ease of manipulation. It might not occur daily but could happen whenever they are alone together, or sporadically when mom is absent, sleeping, or having the date look after them. This frequency depends on the circumstances at the time.
I want to emphasize that not all men who date single mothers should be instantly and automatically labeled as child sexual abusers. Similarly, mothers should not interpret their children's behaviors as definite signs of sexual abuse.
I will explain certain signs that children have displayed when they have been abused. However, it's crucial to note that not all children show the same signs, and not all signs necessarily indicate abuse. If you observe any of the described signs, refrain from immediately assuming that your child has been abused. Instead, take note of the behavior change and address your child's changing behavior seriously, just as any concerned mother or parent should.
If you are a mother observing changes in your child's behavior, refrain from jumping to conclusions and accusing your partner of abuse immediately. You are not a trained sexual abuse investigator, and attempting to interview your child as such is not advisable. Instead, if you notice significant emotional or physical signs, seek professional help promptly or contact professional emergency services for a thorough investigation. This approach will best serve your child's well-being if they are indeed a victim of sexual or physical abuse.
Behavioral Changes in Children: Signs to Be Aware Of
When a child becomes a victim of abuse at the hands of a perpetrator, they often experience fear and shame regarding the act that has occurred. They may have a strong desire to tell someone what happened, but the perpetrator's threats create a barrier. These threats include the fear of upsetting their mom, the possibility of harm to themselves or their mom, or the fear of someone being taken from their home. These fears may significantly impact the child's participation in activities they once enjoyed, such as watching TV, eating, or playing with siblings and favorite toys. You may observe them isolating themselves, becoming still and withdrawn, and their mood shifting from being happy and lively to being quiet and isolated.
You might notice changes in their eating habits, such as not eating as they normally would and sitting at the table, looking either at you or the person who may have abused them with fear in their eyes. They may also start having accidents, like soiling their clothing or bedding, even though they were potty trained and hadn't done so in a while. Additionally, you may find them with their pet more, becoming sad when with their favorite pet, and talking to them more because they trust the pet not to reveal their secret. Similarly, they may cling to their favorite stuffed animal, holding it tightly when they haven't done so in a while.
Furthermore, they may request to leave the night light on, which they hadn't wanted before, or ask to keep bedroom or bathroom doors open so that they feel safe and can see who comes in the room. You may also observe them becoming more attached to you as a mother, following you around more than usual, and asking to go with you when you leave instead of staying behind. If they express reluctance to be around the alleged abuser or show signs of anxiety when that person is mentioned, these are serious indicators that you should have a private conversation with your child.
Again, just because your child displays any of these signs or several signs doesn't automatically mean they have been sexually abused by the hands of your new partner. However, they may be a victim of something else by someone else, and that should be a concern you need to address privately and away from anyone else.
When your child shows certain signs, you may choose to bring it up with your partner. However, be aware that your partner might become defensive, make excuses, or provide justifications. They may try to convince you that the child's behavior is due to something harmless like a cold or an issue with other kids. They might even suggest leaving the child alone and assure you they'll check on them. This tactic is designed to make you doubt the child's claims if they speak up. If your child does eventually tell you something, you may find yourself in a difficult position of questioning your partner's innocence versus your child's truthfulness, which can be a challenging situation for any parent.
In scenarios like the one described, I have tested multiple men and, at times, children and discovered that mothers failed to believe and protect their children. Some men failed their polygraph tests or admitted to molesting their partner's child. This brings us back to the title—do you truly know who you're dating at times? The answer is often NO.
Imagine a different scenario: After initially meeting and dating for a while, your partner's behavior undergoes a drastic change. They begin treating you and the children poorly, exerting excessive control. Jealousy and baseless accusations arise, leading to verbal abuse directed at the children and, particularly, at you. This escalates into physical violence against you, accompanied by false allegations. All of this stems from your partner's controlling nature, having a history of cheating in previous relationships, and now projecting these behaviors onto you.
Many mothers facing this situation might endure mistreatment because they are told and promised that their partner will change or because they make excuses and receive false promises about seeking help. Some may even believe it's an isolated incident that won't repeat itself, but often, the abusive behavior persists or resurfaces later. This leaves the mother trapped in a cycle of control and isolation from friends and family, as the partner manipulates to prevent her from seeking help or telling others what is happening. The mother may even face false accusations of misconduct at work, such as having sex with co-workers and their boss, risking her employment and financial independence.
Now having to stay home and be fully dependent upon the partner, things only get worse for the mother: forced sex, isolation from others, and all of her money is now controlled. In such dire circumstances, the mother must take decisive action. This can include seeking professional help, confiding in a trusted friend, leaving the abusive environment and seeking refuge at a friend’s house if possible, contacting law enforcement (911) to have the abusive partner arrested, and obtaining evidence of abuse for future proof, such as a polygraph test, for legal purposes.
How to Prevent or Recognize Signs of Potential Abuse
First and foremost, ask questions. There can never be too many questions, especially if you are a mother with children. The top priority is the well-being of your children and yourself when entering a relationship with someone you don't fully know. While you may not always receive truthful answers, asking questions will make it clear that you are fiercely protective, like a "Momma Bear," and will not tolerate anyone who threatens the safety of your children or yourself. Potential abusers or molesters will typically avoid individuals who ask probing questions and set clear boundaries.
If a person is not an abuser or molester, they will welcome your questions and provide honest answers. On the other hand, if they are dishonest, show hesitation, or evade questions about their past relationships, children, visitation or custody arrangements, criminal records, or arrests, these are significant red flags. Trust your instincts – hesitation or avoidance of straightforward questions is cause for concern. Remember, if someone is not transparent or forthcoming about their history, it's better to stay away.
Your primary goal is to protect your child and yourself. Failing to prioritize this fundamental responsibility indicates a lack of good parenting. If your focus is solely on yourself at the expense of others' well-being, it reflects selfishness, leading to negative consequences for those around you.
Protecting Your Child and Ensuring a Safe Environment
Have realistic expectations and concerns when you meet someone:
Prioritizing compatibility: Avoid individuals who dislike children or pets, as this may indicate a lack of empathy or compatibility.
Exercising caution with intimacy and meeting children: Stay away from those who rush into sexual activities and insist on meeting your children right away, as they may have ulterior motives.
Recognizing red flags from past relationships: Be wary of individuals who have had multiple partners and children but haven't settled down, as there may be underlying reasons for this pattern.
Dealing with domestic violence and cheating history: Avoid dating someone who has a history of domestic violence or who blames their past partners for their actions. Similarly, be cautious of individuals who admit to cheating in previous relationships, as they may struggle with trust and commitment.
Assessing pornography habits: If you disapprove of regular pornography use, consider staying away from individuals who watch it, especially if their preferences raise serious concerns (e.g., child porn, rape porn). If you enjoy porn, always find out what kind of porn they view and what arouses them. You will be surprised as to what they are watching and it could give you serious red flags to keep them away from you and your kids. (child/teenager porn, force or rape porn)
Watching out for signs of anger or control: Watch out for signs of anger or control in your partner, such as checking your whereabouts or phone without permission. These behaviors are red flags and should prompt caution.
Monitoring your child or children’s behavior when dating new partners: Pay attention to any behavioral changes in your children when introducing them to new partners you’re dating. Regularly ask your children questions about their interactions with your partner and never leave your children alone and unsupervised with a new partner until you truly know them and trust them completely.
It's crucial for you to seek professional help if you encounter serious issues or you receive upsetting information. If you find yourself unsure of the truth, get a polygraph test from an experienced polygraph examiner for clarity and peace of mind.
Remember, a child's life is meant to be cherished and enjoyed as a precious blessing. Your life, too, is intertwined with the joy of raising your child. Avoid the mistake of getting involved with the wrong person, as it could lead to regrets that last a lifetime for both you and your child. Take precautionary measures and make wise decisions to safeguard your family's well-being.
Don't let uncertainty linger. If you suspect sexual abuse involving your child, a polygraph test from Executive Protection Group Polygraph Service can provide the answers you need.
Take the pivotal step towards peace of mind by connecting with Mr. David Goldberg, the founder of Executive Protection Group Polygraph Service. With over 30 years of experience as an Advanced Board-Certified Polygraph Examiner and Investigator of both child and adult sexual abuse, Mr. David Goldberg brings unparalleled expertise to these sensitive matters.
Our mission at Executive Protection Group Polygraph Service is clear: to eliminate doubts and ensure you find the closure you deserve to move forward in your life. Specializing in comprehensive and confidential polygraph examinations, we serve clients in Hampton Roads, including Virginia Beach, Norfolk, Chesapeake, Portsmouth, Newport News, Suffolk, Hampton, and beyond. Led by Mr. David Goldberg, a Virginia State Licensed Advanced Board-Certified Polygraph Examiner and nationally recognized expert with over 22 years of experience, our commitment is to deliver immediate, reliable, and accurate results.
To explore how we can assist you further, review our polygraph services or call Executive Protection Group Polygraph Service today to schedule your polygraph examination. Take the first step towards resolution and peace of mind with us.
